Slowness Optional
Whether you bang the drum slowly on Bang a Drum Day or not, it's up to you. The simple act of hitting one is all that matters.
If you have an actual musical percussion instrument called a drum, fine. Use it.
If you don't, anything that can produce a similar percussive sound will suffice.
Just as speed doesn't matter, neither does rhythm today. You, like some professional and semi-professional drummers, don't need to have any sense of rhythm to play the drums.
You can just get by on your good looks.
If that doesn't work, rely on your charisma.
You say you're lacking in all those categories? Cheer up, bunky. There's hope for you yet.
Where?
Sorry, I can't tell you that. You'll have to find out on your own.